I am thankful we raised our three sons to be independent of their mom
and dad. Very seldom has our sons needed
our help. The area in which they depend on mom and dad is taking care of
grandchildren which is not a burden. All
three sons have had times of financial struggle,
but they seem to manage. As parents, we
have not been enablers of our sons. However,
I have on several occasions counseled with parents who are racked by guilt for
being wary every time their son or daughter calls them or stops by to “visit.”
It is the same story over and over again.
No money for a car payment, no money for food, no money for clothes for the
baby or even we don’t have money to feed our dogs or cats. As a parent, you hate to see your children
suffer so you say, “This is the last time I can help you” but you and them both
know you have said this so many times before. You agree and give them the money
they want, and they promise like they
have so many times to pay you back. Your
thoughts are how did my kids get in such a mess and will they ever be able to
stand on their own two feet?
My only advice to these parents has been stop enabling them to be a
failure. Enabling
is fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth
and responsibility. Do you create an enabling dynamic for your adult child? If
he or she, for example, buys a new iPhone
instead of paying rent this would result in a consequence of losing an
apartment. An enabler rushes in and removes the consequence, giving the adult
child no reason or opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.
One observation I have made over the years is parents who are on the road
to becoming enablers are the same parents who have never been able to say, No!
to their child and make it stick.
Children have been trained by their parents to keep asking until they
get what they want. The end results are
when they are adults the have been taught they will be rescued by their
parents. If you try to save your adult child every time he or she is in
trouble, you may be making things worse in the long run. Do you struggle with
knowing where to draw that fine line between letting them learn how to stand on
their own two feet and bailing them out? Parents for sure, need to be thoughtful
about how to assist their adult children without enabling them.
Adult children who remain overly dependent on their parents are allowed to
get into this situation because their parents enable them. Perhaps this
relationship dynamic stems from parents who want to be needed. Some parents
feeling the only time their children love them is when they come to them for
help. Setting boundaries with your adult child can sometimes be the best thing
to do, even when it is hard to say, “I am here to listen, and I will pray for you, but I also think you will feel
better about yourself if you figure this out on your own.”
Whether you’ve got a 45 year-old, daughter who keeps asking for money while
falsely claiming she will pay you back, or a 50 year old son who just can’t
keep a job, adult children who behave immaturely can be stressful. It can be very challenging for parents to set
limits with adult children whom have become overly dependent. The parents often
feel drained and emotionally depleted. They want their child to be happy on his
own, yet they live in fear of not doing enough to help their
child get there. This is by no means an easy situation!
There are parents who have tried to rescue their child in every situation of
life including, money, marriage, parenting, and personal relationship with their
friends. While this may all seem like
you care you send the message that you will bail them out of their troubles and
support them no matter the financial mess they are in, the number of marriages
they go through, you will even go so far as to raise their children and get
involved in the squabbles with their friends.
With every parent, I have spoken with, it is the same, they are afraid of
hurting their child, and yet they feel
they can’t go on feeling used, resentful and burnt out from the way their child
treats them. Many enabling parents sacrificed
so much for their children that they are in financial jeopardy of losing their
own homes. The end results are they rely
on others to bail them out of their problems so they can continue to bail out
their children.
In the Gospel of Luke chapter 15, there are three stories told by Jesus:
the lost coin, the lost sheep, and the
lost son. In two of the stories, someone went looking for the lost
item, the coin, and the sheep. What is interesting is that no one went
looking for the lost son. The son had to come to the place in his life that he
realized that he must change who he was in life. He was willing to become a slave to
change. As we know this did not happen, he was accepted as a son who was once
dead but was now alive. The father’s
love had not changed, he still loved his son.
It was the son who changed when he came to his senses. Parents need to allow the Holy Spirit to work
in the lives of their children. They
must come to the place in their life that they realize they must change. This change cannot happen if you as a parent
continue to bail them out of their problems.
Just as in the case of the lost son, he had to realize that he must
change.
I have often asked parents what will happen to your children when you can
no longer bail them out of their problems?
The answer is the same, “They will have to learn how to get along.” My next
question is, “Who is going to teach them to get along?
The Proverb about train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from that training applies to bad training
as well. If you have trained a child to
be dependent on you when they need bailed out from their problems, when they
are old they will expect you to continue to bail them out. When you are gone they will turn to others to
do the same thing you taught them to do- don’t take responsibility for your
actions.
Enabling parents created an entitled generation. Politician have used this “entitled”
mentality to gain political power and turn our country into a socialist
nation. When parents can no longer bail
out their children, the government will.
The can get free needles for their drug use, if they overdose they can
get free Narcan to revive them, they can get free abortion pills, they can get food, clothes, and shelter all at the cost of others.
If there is to be a change in the lives of your children, it will take the transforming power of Jesus Christ to
bring about change. Do not abandon your
children, pray for them, give them good council, do not become adversarial, be
supportive of them making a change in their life, understand they can no longer
depend on you to bail them out of their problems. Be calm, firm and non-controlling when you
speak with them. Pray with them when
they come to you asking the LORD to give them guidance and wisdom in their
choices in life. They may become angry
and make unfounded accusation that you do not love them, they may threaten you
with never speaking to you again, they may even say they hate you. Remain calm and tell them you understand
their frustration and anger.
This will not be easy on you, but it
will be the beginning of directing them to an independent life. Do not give up hope. Allow the Holy Spirit to speak to them until they
come to their senses and want to change their life.
For legal reasons I must
add this disclaimer:
Information found on this site is meant to motivate
you to make healthy choices based on your own research in parenting. The
content is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice. Always seek
the advice of qualified Christian councilors. Never disregard professional
advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this site!
Reliance on any information provided on this site is solely at your own risk.
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